"A child is a blessing, not a mistake." Becoming a teen mom was something I never wanted to be.
At the age of 17, I had an unexpected pregnancy. I felt a surge of anxiety the second I found myself pregnant. I had many dreams that I had planned to archieve. I shivered in guilt, neither did I had the courage to face my friends and family members. That evening, I stood infront of the mirror and gently rubbed my hands over my stomach.
And for the first time, I spoke to the angel that is within me. I cried, apologised and begged for forgiveness to my little self that was growing inside of me. For the times I had partied till late nights, smoked and drank. I kept repeating, "I'm sorry baby, mummy didnt know you're were in here please be fine" over and over again.
My mom, your grandmother, was the women who I looked up to, for raising me and my sibiling up as a single parent, insisted on me to take your precious life away. I couldn't digest each time she said "Please take it away before its grows bigger." It shattered my heart into a milllion pieces. I never had the guts to tell my mother that, the little human being in me has everything just like me and has a life force of its own, that it has a soul. Having you was a blessing for me.
December 16th 2015 - The day I heard your heart beat, for the first time. The following day, my mother had arranged an ultrasound. I dragged myself to the clinic to greet you for the first time. I was so anxious, so frustrated, and so helpless. I knew it might be the last time I was going to see or feel you. Our family were discussing the abortion. I couldn't help but broke down into tears. I was expecting you to be a few weeks old, but to my surprise you have turned five months old.
I trumbled in fear, that my mum was going to ask me to kill you though you are fully formed. Thank god, she didnt. Deep down my heart I prayed so hard that my mum would just accept you and believe in me that i'll be great as mum just like her.
That night I got home, I saw stack of papper with the header on as "adoption". I agreed. All though that's not what I wanted for the both of us. I didnt want to go against my mum's words, since I've already disappoint her.
I was left with five months more to meet you. Silently I was excited to meet you, although I knew you were going to another parent. I cried myself to sleep every night, hoping and praying that all of these was a dream. My stomach grew as big as an watermelon. But with all the ristrictions given by my mum, I couldnt leave home till I gave birth.
My mum afraid that her friends or our relatives might find out that I was conceiving. A few months went by, the urge to meet you was there. There were nights I cried to my mum about you, I told her how much I love you , and told her that I loved you more and more each time I felt your movements.
That day, we were all waiting anxiously came; April 18 2016. You started kicking mummy's tummy real hard. It was as if you were asking to see my face so badly. I was pushed into the labour ward. My contractions were unbearable.
Finally, after all the pain, this tiny version of me came out crying. The sense of relief was unexplainble. I had her on my chest for the very first time. We looked into each others eyes and I said to you, "We made it!" Knowing it was going to be the last time you're going to be with me. My heart broke the day you left my arms.
Dear daughter, if you ever one day read this, please forgive me. Please understand that I was forced to take the decision. My prayers are always surrounded by you. My wish is to atleast see you once before my soul leaves my body. Deep within your memories still linger around. If only that very day I had spoken up for you, you'd be holding mummy's hands today!"
If its meant to be, it will find its way back.
From Mummy, to my Mounishaa